The day I defended my MFA, I told everyone. That is everyone who knew me and everyone who did not know me. It was one of the happiest days in my life. The sense of accomplishment was very profound and satisfying. There were many reasons for that but some of those reasons are for another post.
As soon as I got home, I started searching for a PhD program. Not even hours after my defense. Since that day, some twenty plus years ago, I have been looking. Two or three years ago I became very close to start one but my proposal was rejected. A year after that, I tried for a second masters and I was rejected due to not having a certain number of higher level classes on a particular subject. You’d think they’d grant me a provisional admission to catch up given that I wrote a book, but no, I would have to start from scratch.
Even in the midst of these disappointments, my desire has not eased. It is on my mind constantly. Lately more than several years ago. Often however, I wonder if I have been chasing a hollow dream. The truth is that to engage in a research subject, a degree is not needed. To write another book, a degree is not needed. To create a body of work—whether analog or digital, a degree is not needed. If these tenets are true, then why do I still desire to pursue a doctoral degree?
I love learning. Though there have been ups and downs in my academic life (that includes all my experiences from elementary school to college and now as a professor), I love education. I thirst for it. I wish there was a way that I could learn everything there is to learn about everything that interests me. It is almost a yearning to own knowledge. Throughout the years my interests have changed. Once a PdD in design or typography was all I cared about. Then, it was about the creative process and sketching. Lately I have found myself more and more drawn to art history or design history. It would be difficult to pick one.
My love for learning has seen ups and downs. I have been very distracted at many stages in my life. Or better stated, I was not very disciplined. It did require at times a serious look at what was happening at those times and readjust my focus. Sometimes that happened with great loss. For instance, I was an honor student in high school. My bachelor degree saw a huge dip. After years of being unfocused, I graduated with a shameful GPA compared to my high school one. In graduate school, I vowed to graduate with a much more decent grade. I did. But again, there were a few years when my focus suffered and lost some time in the process.
Though I looked for a doctoral degree, the very same day I defended my MFA, I did not go forward that time. I had children and I did not want to take more time away from their need to become. And that was vital to me. Even before I thought I could be a mother, I had vowed to invest significantly in the lives of the person(s) who would be my children in order to help them become. That meant time, money, transparency, and support. Recently my son called me from Germany while he was abroad to confide something in me. Of course, I dropped what I was doing to give him my attention. But that is not the point. The point is that my son knew he could come to me even from across the world. And he felt that way because he was safe in the net we built.
My view of what it means to be a parent greatly differs from the view with which I was raised and from what I have seen. To me being a parent means to love my children where they are; as babies they need a certain type of love that as young adults they do not. Conversely, as young adults the love they need is not and cannot be the same as when they were babies. Even if I still see them as the cute babies they used to be. This love has even meant to verbalize an apology for mistakes, tones of voice, and outbursts. I did not grow up with that. It also meant discussing things openly even if it means to discuss my own shortcomings and misdeeds. Thankfully this dynamic has given them a trustworthy and supportive net where they feel safe. That means the world to me.
As my children became older, my desire to pursue a doctoral degree has become more persistent. While as mentioned above one does not need a degree to engage in particular research or creative project, my yearning for the PhD does not go away. Perhaps the doors remain close because I do have challenges remaining focused on long term projects (years’ long projects) or because my mental and emotional real estate may not have much space for my family. I don’t know for sure.
My pursuit for a doctoral degree remains and will probably remain an enigma for me. This essay is more about venting and clarifying my thoughts. If you ask me: “are you more clear now?” I would have to say that I do not know.
Love,
Alma