The Obituary

When one finds out an old friend died through Google

My dreams are intense and vivid. I wake up from them as if I had lived each dream as an experience. So much so that sometimes I have to take a moment and remind myself it did not happen. In my early twenties I dreamed that my Dad had died suddenly. The dream was detailed, vivid, and intense. Around 2 am I woke up from it and called my Dad to check if he was alive or dead. When he answered, my greeting was “are you alive”?

It would be natural to think that I am used to my dreams. My dreams, however, have a way of always catching me unprepared. The most recent one was no exception.

I went to bed on Thursday after a long day teaching. In my sleep I dream about my best friend in elementary and junior high school. I saw her and her parents. It was one of the few places I was allowed to stay over and if my Mom was going to do an extended trip, she’d leave me there. I spent a lot of time with her and her family.

Sometimes I would go on day trips with them too. Like the weekend we went to the beach. The ocean was particularly feisty and the waves were high. I like to bodysurf so off I went to position myself in such a way that I would catch the wave. This wave however, had other plans. It swallowed me and tumbled me in such a way that I doubted I would come out. I prayed. And when it was over, I went back.

My friend and I shared likes in common: singers, actors, actresses, movies, friends, tastes, and ideas. We would joke a lot. As we grew older we drifted apart during high school. For which I now feel saddened.

My dream about her prompted me to do a search for her. And before you ask, no I do not have Facebook. I searched on Instagram, LinkedIn, and lastly Google. That is where I found it, on Google. There were two links to a funeral home with her full name. I remained in disbelief and opened a few more tabs to search more. It was all the same. Finally, I opened the link. It was from 2019.

There was an album with photos and holding to the hope that maybe this was all a weird coincidence or even another one of my dreams, I opened the album eagerly hoping it was not her. But it was. There was the same high school photo I have in my album. Her face was still exactly the same in every photo and her smile was just as I remembered.

There were no details about what caused her death. No phone numbers or emails. Nothing. I then tried to Google friends in common and got nothing. But I think it was partly that at that point I was emotionally compromised to think or strategize how to find anyone.

Her obituary left me with a profound sadness. Still think about it and she was so young. I know we drifted apart but that does not mean I stopped caring for her, for who she had been in my life. We became friends when I was about 9-10 years old. My Mom had remarried and went on her honeymoon. The void I felt was inexplicably overwhelming much akin to a profound sense of loss. She was kind and offered her friendship. After that, we became almost inseparable for several years.

I wish her obituary was a vivid dream from which I would wake up to check on her and like my Dad, she could say “yes, I am alive”.