The divorce
An essay…
Often I believe to be above having a “love affair” with my work. I even tell my students to “get a divorce” from their work; to give themselves permission to drop it, to trash it, and to detach from it. Yet, today, I am confessing my new found infatuation with the work I am exploring for the upcoming online show Symbiosis V by The Art of Letters in November. Which means the work has to be completed and professionally photographed by the beginning of October. Time is not on my side. Infatuation with one’s work and time are not optimal friends.
My process took several twists and turns until I found a path that clicked with me. Once I started creating the large pieces with a brush attached to a yardstick and dancing on the paper, I discovered, encountered, and embraced a form of expression that was in many ways, new to me. The sense of satisfaction was—and it is still— deep. It encouraged me to keep going. Thus, I have now about 18 pieces already; 6 of them about 20” x 30” and the rest are between four to six feet long by three feet wide. They are big. And I am enamored with them. Shall I say a little too much? Simply put, I do not want to ruin what I just made. It has become too precious, which is the enemy of more exploration.
My head wants to divorce these pieces, even cut them up, and distort them. But my heart, oh my heart indulges in patting myself on the back. Yes, I have fallen prey to the one thing I tell my students not to do and I even warn them sternly about it.
On Friday I asked my colleague Rachel Wright for feedback. I hauled my huge pieces to our empty gallery to lay out all of the work on the floor. We talked for a while and she offered great options to try. I know I should get over my indulgence and just do something, anything; but my emotional investment is making it hard to move on.
Nonetheless I need to force myself to move on and pick one. Maybe the piece I like the least and just ”abuse” that piece with everything I think I should not do. I should work on deconstructing and not preserving right now. But, will I? I suspect that the closer I get to the deadlines, I will feel the pressure and will do something. But I do not want to work that way. I want to give myself time to try different things.
The creative process is much like life. We fall for situations and people sometimes at the expense of paralyzing us and not being able to move forward or even get out. Emotional attachments can be good and healthy but they can also be detrimental for one as a creative and a human being. The culprit being is that often we are too close to see the possibilities. Of that, I am guilty as charged at this precise moment.
Maybe tomorrow my muse will visit me and guide me to know what to do next. This blog is titled “Temperamental amusing shenanigans” for a reason. My musings are temperamental as in ideas come and go at will. If not tended to, they leave to find another vessel and sometimes I think they get mad at me. The creative process for me is akin to having a relationship with it. We talk a lot but more frequently it is more like I am listening all the time and writing things down or sketching. Many times I have questions but these questions dare not be defiant. They must be exploratory or else my muse will have issues.
I know I will solve my particular conundrum at some point. Even if I don’t get an immediate satisfactory answer, there will be an answer to clarify my next step. Sometimes the answers come and still filled with doubts I take the steps. In those moments my steps are faith based accepting of a risk. Other times I need to let it go. Even when that letting go feels like I am wasting that time. I have to trust that the ideas and my muse will coalesce and bring about another aha! moment for me to walk through.
Until then, I must wait while I work…
Love,
Alma