We don’t reflect about this word often. I think we think we know what it means but my skepticism betrays me. A quick search on the Oxford dictionary revealed this:
operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect…
These last two weeks have been full of many discoveries. Some of which were good, some are not so good, and some were, well, insidious. A lunch meeting with a colleague exemplified to me that we do understand very little of human nature.
The problem is that our actions betray that belief. If the betrayal is not obvious or outward, it is internal.
We believe that we are better than the things we read people do to each other. We read a news report and we fervently believe, that we are better, wiser, smarter, kinder, and overall more ethical. The problem is that our actions betray that belief. If the betrayal is not obvious or outward, it is internal. A revulsion, a small gesture, and there could even be recoil.
Someone I care about shared with me their belief of not being the object of prejudice. In spite of the evidence from one of their experiences, they would still insist that they have not experienced discrimination or prejudice. As tempted as I was to challenge their stance, I refrained. A wise professor told me long ago that it was not my job to dissuade everyone I came in contact with from their beliefs. My professor meant that wisdom and discernment were valuable tools to know when to listen and when to say something. I hope that since then, I have learned something. Alas, I can be very slow. But I digress.
I kept thinking about discrimination, prejudice, and even racism after that conversation. One thing I did mention was that there are two extremes when experiencing prejudice: one can be the ornament or trinket on the window for display and adulation or one can be the object of much mistreatment and even violence. It is the “in between” that holds most of the experiences many of us live. The “in between” which goes from delicate, elegant, polite, nice, and complimentary to the nasty, harsh, obtuse, belligerent, and obvious but hard to prove.
It is the “in between” that holds most of the experiences many of us live.
If my friend has never indeed experienced discrimination, I am extremely happy for them. However, in some topics I can be worse than a fundamental skeptic and this would be one of those. Nonetheless, it was not my call to burst that bubble. But I did walk out wondering how insidious would a behavior or attitude need to be for one not to notice at all?
The sad answer is that attitudes and behaviors do not need be superlatively insidious to be prejudiced. But because this would address motivations and thoughts, outing those is tricky for most of us. There is a lawyer I follow on Instagram. His name is Jefferson Fisher. He has short videos about how to respond to backhanded compliments and all sorts of methods and tricks to either challenge, dissuade, and dissipate arguments or unwanted criticism. He is very good at what he does.
One common denominator on his videos or at least the ones I have watched is asking questions. Kind of like putting the ball in someone else’s court. And I love that. But sadly sometimes these things, comments, statements, come out of nowhere and one is blindsided. It takes me a long time to recover from being blindsided when I have experienced it.
Case in point, several weeks ago, I met an older lady. She was charming, talkative, and expressive. She was so fascinated with my hair and was pretty loud about it. Before I could tell what was going on, she reached out to touch it to determine its texture. It took me by surprise. By the time I knew what she was doing, her hand was on my hair kind of feeling it and pressing a little. Perhaps I should explain that the number one cardinal rule of curly and natural hair is to never, ever, reach out to touch it. Personal space? She knew none of that.
In that moment I felt like the trinket on the window. That one shiny ornament in the window in someone’s house or office. I was polite, perhaps too polite. She was older and I was taught to respect those who are older. So, I said nothing. She asked if my hair was mine, I said of course.
In the big scheme of things this incident is hardly violent or threatening. It is still disrespectful, yes. And I felt used indeed. There have been other incidents like this or worse. Some of the most hurtful to me have been about my accent. Little comments here and there or jokes. Expectations about who I am or who I should be abound and navigating them has sometimes been very difficult. Unlike Jefferson Fisher, I do not always have the words or poise to handle them immediately.
“would you say or do what you are saying or doing if that person weren’t a minority?”
My experiences have ranged the spectrum between the trinket and the violent. And these have led me to reflect about this question “would you say or do what you are saying or doing if that person weren’t a minority?”
I wish I could say that I am immune to acting in this manner towards other minorities. But sadly, no. I have to admit I am guilty of it. Years ago in a calligraphy workshop, I heard the teacher who was a minority used the word “exemplar.” My head must have been buried in the sand because at that point the word was new to me and it sounded odd. But you know why I thought it sounded odd? Because a minority said it. I doubted this instructor based on their ethnicity and accent. Thankfully I did not say anything then. But I ran home to get my dictionary. To my shame, the word did exist, it was a legit and more than appropriate word. I felt terrible. I realized that had the instructor not been a minority, I would not have doubted the use of the word. My shame and embarrassment covered every cell in my body. Though I was able to reign in my insidious attitude, I was put in place by my ignorance. I learned that ignorance breeds contempt.
Dealing with our prejudices as light as they might be requires a lot of work, internal work. But to say we do not have them is a lie. We all carry them and we all act on them. Some serve well and help us in dire situations. But most of the time it is a detriment to the fruitful relationships we could have with one another. Perhaps my friend lives a better life by not noticing and being oblivious to it. I hope they keep their bubble because sometimes the best medicine to insidious behaviors is to simply look beyond it and move on.
I want to finish this essay by sharing something related. Tomorrow I will have one of the biggest career defining conversations with the administration. I believe that there has been something wrong in certain aspects of the assessment of my performance and the value of my contributions at work. I can’t say much today. All I can share is to ask you to keep me in your prayers. I am nervous and this could very well be a deal breaker.
Love,
Alma